Ah, the Innocence of Youth

Yesterday, while volunteering at JCCH, I spoke to another volunteer about her college plans. You see, she graduates from high school next week Saturday and is excited about her future. I vaguely remember feeling that same euphoria all those years ago. It was nice to bask in it again, if only for a half hour or so.

Anyway, she's going to OSU and talked endlessly about her hopes and what she expects college to be like. She talked about her worries about getting a roommate she'd like and the craziness that is dorm life. She pondered what there'd be to do since the campus is pretty much in the sticks. She said she wanted to get her driver's license before she left, just in case she'd be able to drive someone's car.

As she talked, I suddenly realized how long it's been since I've had that same feeling of wonder. At that point in life, there are endless possibilities out there for you. You don't quite know where your life will end up, but you're totally willing to see what happens. In fact, you rush toward your destiny with an impatience that others may view as reckless abandon. But to you, there's just no point in letting life happen to you. You'd prefer to interact with it, to embrace it. You grasp for that gold ring, hope things end well and leap with a faith that'll get you through even the worst.

When was the last time you lived with such fervor? When was the last time you walked toward the unknown, both eyes gleaming with anticipation? If you're like me, it's been a while. Stuck in your cubicles in a life-sucking void pretty much kills all of those feelings. Fighting against that bullshit bureaucracy that somehow has enveloped your entire life can be draining to say the least. When the hell did this become your life and why didn't you notice it before now?

I'm not saying to go jump off a cliff so you can feel that excitement again. I'm not saying to let go of all that you've become in order to reclaim your lost youth. I'm definitely not saying that. But what I am saying is why not still dabble in the amazing? Why not take risks that make you feel alive but won't necessarily kill you - at least not literally? Yes, you're older and wiser than you were before . . . but you're also probably a bit more well off, financially speaking, and can finally afford to do all those blue-sky dreams you rambled off when you were a broke college student.

The sad thing is that many of us are unlikely to do those things we planned while in some kind of drunken stupor. Even though we now have the time (be it just two weeks of vacation or not) and money, the inclination does not seem to be there. The youthful innocence we held only a few years ago has become just another casualty in life (along with eating cereal three meals a day and watching 24-hour marathons of your favorite sitcom). But why did we let it slip away so easily? Why do we continue to let it? Why not reinvigorate it and actually make things happen? What are we afraid of?

Dream A Little Dream

Is it weird to dream about people you haven't seen in years? Last night I had a dream about someone I haven't seen since my freshman year of college.

But the thing is, the dream was in real time. I was my current age. I looked like I do now, not like I did then. (Although maybe it was really a nightmare since I'd give anything to be as skinny as I was just out of high school.)

The dream was pretty vivid and the setting was a house I lived in while in high school, which is three locations ago if you count dorming for a year in college. I haven't even been back to that house for at least five years, probably more. I don't remember exactly when we moved out of that place.

What do you suppose it means, to dream about someone from your past? Is it some kind of premonition? Is is nostalgia manifesting itself when you're most likely to let it in? Is it your subconscious taking a tally of your life, then and now? Is it just reliving your history?

Look Back On Life

Driving home today I saw this young, teen couple walking down the street. They must've been around 18 years old and looked so happy and in love. I remember being that age and this time of year would've been the first winter break of my freshman year in college. I laughed to myself because I remember that first semester was pretty turbulent in terms of school, life and love. Some days I'd swear I was about to die of unhappiness. Other days were the best times of my life. It's weird how emotional you are when you're young.

Back in the day I remember crying a lot more than I do now. I remember feeling like I was so in love but that my heart was broken into a million pieces. I remember thinking no one's ever felt this way before and that if it hurt this bad it must be love. Real original, right? LOL

I remember telling myself that awful saying, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it dosen't, then it was never meant to be." I constantly told this to myself because I thought I was being the bigger person. I thought this was what you did when you truly loved someone - you let them be who they were meant to be even if, in the end, their life didn't include you.

But looking back on it now, I think I was just scared. I was scared to really love someone, to lose control and let fate take its course. I told myself it was better for him if I let him go because our paths never seemed to match each others. It always seemed as if I were a minute too slow or he was a few steps behind. I was unwilling to get off my path and try his for a while and vice versa. So, I told myself that maybe some day we'd sync up and it'd work out but today just wasn't the day. So in the end I let him go.

Several years after college I actually found his profile on one of those social media networks. I wasn't purposely looking for him. (I'm not that insane.) I was just clicking on friends of friends of friends and came across a familiar handle. He would always use very peculiar and unique nicknames and this one caught my eye.

After clicking on the profile, a photo confirmed that it was indeed him. He looked the same as I remembered, except older and more muscular. I was so shocked to see him (sort of) after all this time, I just about had a panic attack. His profile summary said he was married, but this wasn't too surprising. We were, after all, in our early 20s by then. It was also about this time that I was reconnecting with other friends via this social media network so I sent a quick note to see how he was doing.

After several notes back and forth he called me from Iraq, where he was currently stationed. This was around Thanksgiving and his birthday, and it was just really weird to hear his voice after so long. I can't say that I actually recognized it, but it did feel familiar to me somehow. Even though we were just catching up with each other's lives, it felt as though we'd never lost contact. It was interesting in a Twilight Zone kind of way.

We talked a bit about the old days and stuff that had happened. It did my ego good to hear that he'd never forgotten about me and had even tried to locate me a couple years after we lost touch. We said we'd definitely keep in touch this time and contact each other if we were ever in the area. He said he'd call me when he got back to the States. But, of course, this never happened and we simply slipped away from each other again. (This entire thing is terribly romantic in that British, Jane Austen/Emily Bronte kind of way, isn't it?) Anyway, thinking about it now, these couple of phone calls were probably a good way to close that chapter of my life.

All of this seems like an entire lifetime ago. Back then I used to obsess about it. Now it rarely comes to my mind. At times like these when I do think about him, I wonder what he's up to and hope he's doing well. I guess there's something to be said about that awful saying after all. If it doesn't come back, it's not meant to be. And at this point in my life, I can honestly say that I'm content with that.

The New Girl - Part 2

I've been working with the new girl and slowly trying to transition some of my job duties to her. However, it is clear at this point that this will definitely be a challenge. I hope it isn't insurmountable, but I'm not even sure what the odds are at this point.

Is it a generation gap or just a personality flaw? The newbie is unable to focus on simple things, and in my opinion, has some form of ADHD. Either that or I have a walking, talking Valley girl on my hands. Thought that was just a Hollywood stereotype, did ya? So did I. The newbie just loves to talk and talk about all kinds of random crap. This is what a fricken liberal arts education does to people. They know a lot of useless facts but are uncapable of dealing in a work environment. Suuuure, they bullshit with the best of them but are completely incapable of getting work done . . . correctly I might add. Done correctly.

I never knew before today just how great and awesome traits like efficiency and common sense are. I've never really worked with anyone lacking these traits and don't really know how to deal with it. Sure, the new girl is a recent college graduate with limited work experience, but seriously? Seriously? How much brain power does it take to count a bunch of things and put them nicely back into a box? It would seem self-explanatory to me that if you're doing inventory you'd want to keep things nice and tidy for when you need to pull the items out in a pinch. What's the sense of counting thousands of items when you're just going to dump them back in a box and not keep track of them?

Another example of the idiocy I have to deal with ( just so you don't think I'm being unbelievably harsh) is the fact that it doesn't even dawn on her that when you're placing address labels onto an envelope, the labels should probably be straight and not tilted in a 45 degree angle. I mean, must something like this be part of the instructions given to her? "Attach one label to the envelope by placing it in the exact center of the envelope. Make sure it is parallel with the bottom edge of the envelope. Then insert a newsletter into the envelope and stack them all nicely in a box so you can take it to the mailroom." Is this the intelligence coming out of colleges these days? Seriously?

I had to talk to our manager today and bring up these and many other issues. The guy himself is a fool so I'm not sure how he is going to approach this. I plan on being very direct with the new girl from now on. I don't care if I come across as condescending. You need to prove to me that you're not an idiot before I talk to you as an adult and use words with more than two syllables.

Having to deal with this girl on a daily basis as well as our big, fat dummy of a boss might just be my undoing. I better concentrate and do this JET application to the best of my abilities. I don't think I can handle much more of anything in the current work environment.