Ah, the Innocence of Youth

Yesterday, while volunteering at JCCH, I spoke to another volunteer about her college plans. You see, she graduates from high school next week Saturday and is excited about her future. I vaguely remember feeling that same euphoria all those years ago. It was nice to bask in it again, if only for a half hour or so.

Anyway, she's going to OSU and talked endlessly about her hopes and what she expects college to be like. She talked about her worries about getting a roommate she'd like and the craziness that is dorm life. She pondered what there'd be to do since the campus is pretty much in the sticks. She said she wanted to get her driver's license before she left, just in case she'd be able to drive someone's car.

As she talked, I suddenly realized how long it's been since I've had that same feeling of wonder. At that point in life, there are endless possibilities out there for you. You don't quite know where your life will end up, but you're totally willing to see what happens. In fact, you rush toward your destiny with an impatience that others may view as reckless abandon. But to you, there's just no point in letting life happen to you. You'd prefer to interact with it, to embrace it. You grasp for that gold ring, hope things end well and leap with a faith that'll get you through even the worst.

When was the last time you lived with such fervor? When was the last time you walked toward the unknown, both eyes gleaming with anticipation? If you're like me, it's been a while. Stuck in your cubicles in a life-sucking void pretty much kills all of those feelings. Fighting against that bullshit bureaucracy that somehow has enveloped your entire life can be draining to say the least. When the hell did this become your life and why didn't you notice it before now?

I'm not saying to go jump off a cliff so you can feel that excitement again. I'm not saying to let go of all that you've become in order to reclaim your lost youth. I'm definitely not saying that. But what I am saying is why not still dabble in the amazing? Why not take risks that make you feel alive but won't necessarily kill you - at least not literally? Yes, you're older and wiser than you were before . . . but you're also probably a bit more well off, financially speaking, and can finally afford to do all those blue-sky dreams you rambled off when you were a broke college student.

The sad thing is that many of us are unlikely to do those things we planned while in some kind of drunken stupor. Even though we now have the time (be it just two weeks of vacation or not) and money, the inclination does not seem to be there. The youthful innocence we held only a few years ago has become just another casualty in life (along with eating cereal three meals a day and watching 24-hour marathons of your favorite sitcom). But why did we let it slip away so easily? Why do we continue to let it? Why not reinvigorate it and actually make things happen? What are we afraid of?

Dream A Little Dream

Is it weird to dream about people you haven't seen in years? Last night I had a dream about someone I haven't seen since my freshman year of college.

But the thing is, the dream was in real time. I was my current age. I looked like I do now, not like I did then. (Although maybe it was really a nightmare since I'd give anything to be as skinny as I was just out of high school.)

The dream was pretty vivid and the setting was a house I lived in while in high school, which is three locations ago if you count dorming for a year in college. I haven't even been back to that house for at least five years, probably more. I don't remember exactly when we moved out of that place.

What do you suppose it means, to dream about someone from your past? Is it some kind of premonition? Is is nostalgia manifesting itself when you're most likely to let it in? Is it your subconscious taking a tally of your life, then and now? Is it just reliving your history?