Look Back On Life

Driving home today I saw this young, teen couple walking down the street. They must've been around 18 years old and looked so happy and in love. I remember being that age and this time of year would've been the first winter break of my freshman year in college. I laughed to myself because I remember that first semester was pretty turbulent in terms of school, life and love. Some days I'd swear I was about to die of unhappiness. Other days were the best times of my life. It's weird how emotional you are when you're young.

Back in the day I remember crying a lot more than I do now. I remember feeling like I was so in love but that my heart was broken into a million pieces. I remember thinking no one's ever felt this way before and that if it hurt this bad it must be love. Real original, right? LOL

I remember telling myself that awful saying, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it dosen't, then it was never meant to be." I constantly told this to myself because I thought I was being the bigger person. I thought this was what you did when you truly loved someone - you let them be who they were meant to be even if, in the end, their life didn't include you.

But looking back on it now, I think I was just scared. I was scared to really love someone, to lose control and let fate take its course. I told myself it was better for him if I let him go because our paths never seemed to match each others. It always seemed as if I were a minute too slow or he was a few steps behind. I was unwilling to get off my path and try his for a while and vice versa. So, I told myself that maybe some day we'd sync up and it'd work out but today just wasn't the day. So in the end I let him go.

Several years after college I actually found his profile on one of those social media networks. I wasn't purposely looking for him. (I'm not that insane.) I was just clicking on friends of friends of friends and came across a familiar handle. He would always use very peculiar and unique nicknames and this one caught my eye.

After clicking on the profile, a photo confirmed that it was indeed him. He looked the same as I remembered, except older and more muscular. I was so shocked to see him (sort of) after all this time, I just about had a panic attack. His profile summary said he was married, but this wasn't too surprising. We were, after all, in our early 20s by then. It was also about this time that I was reconnecting with other friends via this social media network so I sent a quick note to see how he was doing.

After several notes back and forth he called me from Iraq, where he was currently stationed. This was around Thanksgiving and his birthday, and it was just really weird to hear his voice after so long. I can't say that I actually recognized it, but it did feel familiar to me somehow. Even though we were just catching up with each other's lives, it felt as though we'd never lost contact. It was interesting in a Twilight Zone kind of way.

We talked a bit about the old days and stuff that had happened. It did my ego good to hear that he'd never forgotten about me and had even tried to locate me a couple years after we lost touch. We said we'd definitely keep in touch this time and contact each other if we were ever in the area. He said he'd call me when he got back to the States. But, of course, this never happened and we simply slipped away from each other again. (This entire thing is terribly romantic in that British, Jane Austen/Emily Bronte kind of way, isn't it?) Anyway, thinking about it now, these couple of phone calls were probably a good way to close that chapter of my life.

All of this seems like an entire lifetime ago. Back then I used to obsess about it. Now it rarely comes to my mind. At times like these when I do think about him, I wonder what he's up to and hope he's doing well. I guess there's something to be said about that awful saying after all. If it doesn't come back, it's not meant to be. And at this point in my life, I can honestly say that I'm content with that.